As most men chill on the uncomfortable periphery of fashion, we do develop a strong sense for what we hate on women. And while women do style partly for themselves (”I’m the real me!”) or for their female friends (“SOOOoooOOO GOOD!”), a chunk of it’s for guys. Ladies, if you’re listening, please read, and get a clue if you expect to ever receive a diamond fashion ring. Gents, you may or may not agree with this list. If I’m missing any, let me know, and I’ll add them to the post.
Cheek Piercing
Nothing like a fashion statement that looks accidental. You look like you were shrooming in a fun house with a nail gun, and the next morning you just said “fuck it, I’ll keep it.” Thank god you have a pice of jewelry randomly adorning your face. When you’ve run out of original places to stud your head, don’t go random. That’s like a musician saying “wehhh, all melodies have been done before. I’m gonna play random notes wherever and I’ll be so different I’ll be cool.” You’re not cool.
Acceptable Alternative:
Standard piercings, plus, on the right girl, eyebrow ring jewelry, or nose ring. Lip ring can work under very particular circumstances. You kinda have to be already hot.
Giant Sunglasses
At first I just felt bad for you, thinking an extraterrestrial symbiote had taken you as a host. How wrong I was. You may be proud that not the smallest beam in the slightest crack of space will get in your deflector shield eye booth, but you look like a bug on hind legs. A bug! The stick thin skin-and-bones body type completes the preying mantis fashion statement. While I do appreciate being able to catch the action behind me thanks to your pair of anti-theft convenience store convex mirrors, I’d rather you just BUZZ OFF. Yep - “buzz off”.
Acceptable Alternative:
Shades can be hot. Like any glasses, you just have to find something that fits your face. The goggles above don’t match any human face.
Image Source
Excessive Foundation
Here’s the problem: lots of cover up is actually worth covering up. You may think that a pimple mount of height X necessitates a layer of foundation of X + 1 thickness, but really you’ve managed to expand the “problem area” to your entire face. Good luck playing the “success through dim lighting” card. You don’t look like porcelain, you look crusty. If you can’t tan, don’t manufacture a layer of grainy fakeskin. Some guys like pale chicks.
Acceptable Alternative:
Skin cream. Or, your actual face. The foundation’s not better than nothing.
Pets as Accessories
Living. Creatures. Are. Not. Accessories. While I appreciate, on some level, the pimping out of an otherwise evolutionary abomination into some kind of social use, this is a problem. You have no idea of the statements you make when you walk around with these fashion rats, or the thoughts that go through every guy’s mind. Images of fur and bow ties in a mulcher, or my personal favorite daytime fantasy, a bit of art I call “kicking of a dog through uprights.” We hate your dog, and we hate you.
Acceptable Alternatives:
Treating an animal like the companion it is. Get a real pet or walk alone.
High Belts
There’s beauty in proportion, and nothing messes with that more than a blatant misplacing of a standard item. If you’re willing to constrict your ribs, do us all a favor and wear a corset. At least it’ll make your boobs look good.
Acceptable Alternative:
A normal waist belt, if you need it at all. No stupidly thick belts, either.
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I suppose Paris Hilton is to blame for much of the kind of shite we see every day. I think it’s time women got over her and her irritating style, and started using fashion for what it was meant to do - make women look hot.
Honourable mentions, thanks to comments:
Crocs - Indeed, fucking hideous. Unfortunately, it’s a bit unfair to pin these on girls, since guys wear them too, but they do know how to kill hotness with them.
Ugz (Uggs) boots - The name is as ugly as the boots themselves. Just what guys always wanted, right? Furry legs. Great.
And, for more excessive foundation, check out this pic of Cindy McCain (gah)
I had removed Capris, but I guess they did belong:
